Getting to the War in the North
by Seville
Summary: The armies from the North would really suck for the alliance of Men and Elves. This is why Elrond has come up with a plan to distract them with a company. A company of four... It's better then it sounds. OCs, a bit AU (not sure on what happened in the North and not counting the game for the sake of the story)
1. Chapter 1

Getting to the War in the North

Authors Tangent: Hi. I was dead for a while but I came back to life...

Anyway, I decided to do a semi-parody, semi-serious Lord of the Rings fanfiction about the War in the North. There will be OC's and probably no cannon characters as I don't think they would fit in a parody fanfic and I doubt I could write them well enough anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the original characters in the story. Everything else is Tolkien's shtick.

...

The gloom of midnight hung over the town of Rivendale like black drapes. Atop an isolated platform two figures met.

"I fear for the northern borders Elrond" Gandalf whispered, "Sauron will no doubt be amassing an army from the North to run us down while we deal with the forces of Mordor. Leagues of Orcs will descend upon hapless towns and villages; slaughtering men, women and children alike. We could expect no aid from them should the time come when need it."

Elrond stood at the edge of the platform, looking over his home.

"I understand your concerns Gandalf. I too have thought of this and I may have found a solution" he replied, "I have understood that our forces cannot be spared for the defence of the north. That is why I have been searching for some time now. Searching for a group of warriors capable enough to distract the armies of the north for as long as we need them to."

"Warriors, How many?" Gandalf Inquired.

"Assuming all of the chosen accept the task... four."

Gandalf merely stared at the Elf like one would a drunken Dwarf.

"Four!? You would send but four to contend with the north!?" Gandalf exclaimed.

"The fellowship consists of only nine." Elrond replied.

"We are not being sent upon an army!" Gandalf retorted, his anger showing.

"No. Your task is much more vital; and dangerous." Stated Elrond.

Gandalf stared at him for a few moments longer, still angered but not willing to release his anger upon the Elf.

"Do you realise that you expect them to be prepared to die?" Gandalf said, quietly, "If they accept this mission they will not likely return. The North is crawling with Orcs and they are not even the worst of the dangers they would face in that land. The fellowship will remain mostly unseen, but they are to divert the attention of the entirety of Saurons' forces in the North? How do you expect them to do it?"

"I have already a plan. With their small number they will sneak into one of the largest Orc strongholds of the Orocarni Mountains. They will proceed to put my plan into motion by taking some of our greatest treasures and placing them in the hands of the Orcs." Elrond explained.

"What could you possibly have them do by taking ancient treasure and handing them to the Orcs?" Gandalf asked suspiciously, already guessing Elrond's answer. The Elf turned to Gandalf with a serious expression upon his face.

"They are going to lure a Dragon."

...

A human man sat at a table within the walls of Rivendale; the first of the four summoned to arrive four he meeting with the Elvish lord Elrond. His hair hung to his shoulder with a chestnut brown colouration. His hazel eyes stared suspiciously at the fruit platter in front of him. His host peered at him curiously.

"Will you not be eating master Devis?" Elrond asked the hunter.

"It's Teryn. Teryn Devis. And no, I will not be eating your magical Elf food as I would prefer to keep my testicles." He replied rudely, "I only eat man food. Meat, fish, chicken. The occasional apple. Not your poncy elvish crap."

Elrond stared at the man for a few moments before forcing a smile and replying, "I will see what I can do, Teryn."

Before Elrond could leave, the next member of the party loudly arrived.

"Right then, where's the grub?" A young dwarf stomped into the room. His hair braided and red along with his beard, he was dressed as a proper dwarfish miner.

"Master Dalin Orebeard, I assume. It is a pleasure to meet you. Food is on the table." Elrond smiled.

"That's what I'm looking to hear!" The dwarf yelled merrily as he jumped onto one of the seats and stared at the fruit platter, "what's this crap, then?"

"I will have someone bring in the meat." Elrond said quickly before leaving to find a cook. Dalin looked over to Teryn and held out his hand.

"Dalin Orebeard, of the clan Orebeard. Proud Dwarves of the Kingdom of Erobor."

"Teryn Devis. I spear animals for a living and barely make ends meet." He replied, returning the handshake. Dalin looked at the man a little strangely before replying.

"Yes, um. Well met, then!"

The hall stayed silent aside from the occasional awkward tapping of Dalins' fingers on the table. Mercifully, Elrond had returned at that moment bringing wonderful news for the two present.

"I spoke with my cook and some beef will be on its way soon" He smiled.

"About time" Teryn murmured.

"Much appreciated Elfy!" laughed Dalin.

Before Elrond could complain about his new unwanted title, footsteps were heard entering the hall. Elrond smiled at the arrival while Dalins' eyes bulged. Teryn seemed surprised for a bit before losing interest and going back to glaring at the fruit. The new arrival had a light green tinged skin with clashing orange irises. Her hair was black and style into a ponytail reaching just below her shoulders. Her ears were slightly orcish and along with that she had inhumanly pointed teeth.

"It's a bloody she-orc!" Dalin exclaimed, slamming his palms onto the table and standing up to get to his axe at the entrance.

"It's a hairy little alcohol sponge. Shut your grog hole, dwarf. I'm a half-orc. Marynin Relinis." She replied snappily. Dalin, taken back by her retort, sat down at the table staring at her. Marynin sat at the table and stared at the fruit.

"What the fuck is-", "The meat is on its way" Elrond interrupted her as she gave her opinion on the fruit.

"I'm sorry for my outburst ma'am. I didn't mean to cause you any offence." Dalin offered.

"Thanks, but I don't particularly care what you do or say. I'm just praying that this is important or my sisters ears will be melting by the time I'm done with her." She replied lazily.

"Is your sister also... um-", "She's human. What's it matter? The point is; she convinced me to come and I am going to introduce her to some of the foulest words that exist if this turns out to be a waste of time." She growled, interrupting Dalin as they all went back to staring at the fruit.

"It will not be a waste of time, I assure you." The three gathered party members turned their attention away from the fruit to an Elf standing at the doorway next to Elrond.

"This is Alarwas. He is a member of the guard here in Rivendale. He will be accompanying you on your journey." Elrond stated. The black haired elfs brown eyes gazed upon his company.

"It will be an honour to journey with you, friends. I am skilled with both the sword and bow and will act as your primary defence along with Marynin on our quest." Alarwas explained. The three stared at the elf before Teryn raised his hand.

"Uh, yes?" Alarwas asked, confused.

"Where's the meat?"

...

"So that is the situation" Elrond looked at the groups faces and spotting a variety of new grimaces he has not seen of a face before. He knew that he was pushing his luck with what he expected from them but hoped that they would be able to see the direness of the situation.

"Bless my beard..." Dalin whispered as he finished listening to the plan, "That is quite the imagination you have there Elfy."

"It explains why you would need a miner and a hunter to be in the company rather than just warriors" Marynin murmured while trying to decide on what to do.

"Do I get paid?" Teryn asked. Elrond looked at the human before sighing.

"Yes, we will see to it that you are properly compensated for this once you return."

"I urge you to all accept. Without you Teryn, we will quickly run out of food in those desolate mountains without a skilled hunter such as yourself. Marynin, I cannot protect the others on my own and we will surely fall to the beasts that await us without your assistance. And Dalin, without you knowledge of the ancient Dwarven tunnel and caves, we will not be able to navigate the safest passage way through the treacherous mine we must pass through to reach the stronghold. This quest cannot succeed without any of you. And please consider what is at stake." Alarwas pleaded with the group.

The occupants of the room all spent a good ten minutes thinking and discussing the situation with one another before standing and turning to Elrond and Alarwas and stating with determination.

"Very well, Elfy. We accept."

"You have your company."

"I'm getting paid up front."

Both Dalin and Marynin turned and glared at Teryn who looked back at them and scowled.

"You people and your stupid morals. Fine, I accept this quest as well. You can pay me half up front."

...

...

Author's notes: Well, that was my first chapter. I hope you all enjoy it and offer constructive criticism. By the way, if it seems a little rushed that because it's currently 11:00 pm and I'm very tired.

Thanks for reading, please review.


	2. Stuffs happening now kind of

Getting to the War in the North

Authors Tangent: Hey, everyone. T'is me again. The next chapter of GTTWITN (I like to pronounce it 'Git Witten') is here! I didn't really get any feedback at all on the last chapter, unless you count 1 follower. So... I really don't know if people like or hate the direction this is going. So I'm just going to keep it up. Just a heads up, none of the OCs will be Mary-sues or Gary-stues as I despise those and so I know what to avoid. Plus I make heaps of characters for my own stories, so I have experience in character creation.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the original characters in the story. Everything else is Tolkien's shtick.

...

"Ohhhhhhh! A rascally, adventurous, young Dwarf man was he; he travelled for months down to lil'old Bree!"

Dalins voice rang out across the plain as the party of four travelled further from Rivendell. Dalin had been in high spirits since they left; singing for the group and, at first, it was welcomed. At first.

"He encountered some brigands along the road, for his vast miners riches the bandits did goad! Out came his hammer as the young Dwarf charged forward-!"

"AND I SKEWERED HIS THROAT WITH MY SWORD! SHUT THE HELL UP DALIN!" Screamed Marynin, finally losing her temper. Her eyebrow twitching she continued to march forward. Dalin stared in suprise at her outburst and turned to Teryn.

"But... I thought you were all enjoying it. Was it not merry?" asked Dalin.

"Well yes. It was merry. But I wanted you to shut up a while, partly because you've been singing the same song for an hour now but mostly because, quite frankly your singing voice sounds like a dying Orc." He replied lazily. "Don't you agree, Alarwas?"

The Elf in question stared awkwardly at the expecting faces of the two for a moment before replying, "Uh, well it... is not an Elf's place to Judge... excuse me!" He replied hurriedly before skipping to catch up with Marynin, who was a lot further ahead.

"Yellow-bellied ponce..." Teryn mumbled before Dalin spoke.

"Well, if you don't want me singing what will we do to pass the time?! Our journey isn't exactly short!" Dalin complained as he trudged forward sulking. He then looked at the wrapped package on his pack. "Why don't we sneak a peek at some of these so-called great Elvin treasures then? Bet you a chest of gold they don't hold a candle to some o' my gems!"

"NO!" Yelled Alarwas, his eyes wide as he turned to Dalin whose eyes were equally large, not expecting a second outburst. Alarwas calmed himself as the other three turned to him. "Dalin. Did you not listen to Lord Elrond when he explained his plan?"

"No." Replied Dalin simply.

Alarwas sighed as he looked at the Dwarf an explained, "The packages each of us carry are filled with some of the most ancient and precious Elvin treasures. Rivendell always kept they're presence hidden from them hidden from the minds of those who would seek them. The seal currently placed on them allows no hand to open them but ours and hides they're presence as did Rivendell. If we were to open them we would have but hours until any number of Dragons came for them."

The Dwarfs eyes widened at the thought of a Drake so close. Marynin shuddered at the thought of the fire storm that would follow the arrival of such a beast within such close proximity to civilization. Teryn looked over to the Elf.

"So why did we need this many?" he inquired, nudging the large package on his back, "If they have such a presence; why so many? We can't carry supplies and it won't make going through that cave the top Elf was talking about easy."

Alarwas just sighed. "There needs to be more than just a few to lure **Dragons**. As for the reason you and Dalin have been asked to come along is because you will be our only source of properly finding food. And Dalin will be the one to navigate the **Dwarven mines **that have been long abandoned. You were chosen as you were both considered the best at what you do."

Alarwas rubbed his forehead, "I have to ask this and you must promise me; you will listen to me when we reach the stronghold. I do not want to find out you have forgotten the plan by alerting the entire stronghold to our presence."

Teryn just yawn before replying, "I think they're more likely to notice us with your constant talking. And then why are you and the woman with us if you don't have any helpful talents?"

Marynin spun around and clapped her hand replying; "Let me answer that question with a question. Are either of you seasoned fighters?"

"No."

"Not really..."

"Well, there you go! With me and Alarwas we have to people with proper battle experience. Our little troop is complete with enough to make it in while still being small enough to remain unnoticed. Now, please. Be quiet. I have heard nothing but bad singing and questions that have been answered before for a FULL HOUR! FIVE MINUTES PLEASE!" she growled before sitting down on a rock.

"What are you doing?" Alarwas asked, "We have a long journey ahead of us."

"I know. I'm just going to sit here and cool off for a bit before we keep going. Honestly! I've been with you all for an hour and I can't wait to-"

"Quiet!" Alarwas cut in quietly.

"What do you-", she tried to continue but was again cut off.

"Don't you hear that" he continued, ears perked. The rest of the group went silent as they all listened for the mystery noise. A low thumping could be heard in the distance. Dalin peered at a hill off in the distance and noticed the silhouette of a rider and a mount. Several of them. However they were riding no horses.

"We've finally passed into Orc territory. Quick! Behind the boulders! Don't let them spot us!" Alarwas whispered harshly. The members of the group dove behind the nearest boulder to each as the lead Orc in the distance peered over the plains.

His harsh orange eyes locked onto movement of in the distance. He growled and screeched a battle cry before his hunting party took off in a direction away from the company. Teryn peeked over his boulder as the Warg riders took off towards whatever caught their eye. He sighed in relief. Alarwas however looked annoyed.

"This is what is wrong with us at the moment. We are getting too wrapped up in petty differences. We were so distracted that we were nearly spotted in hostile territory. This cannot continue."

Marynin looked pleased, "I agree. So let's all be quiet and not speak, sing or spew exposition. Everyone's happy!"

"Oh, I didn't think he was that bad. He didn't seem too obvious to me." Dalin stated, defending the Elfs amateurish way of explaining things.

"Oh yes he was..." Teryn countered.

Alarwas just stared at them in disbelief that the complete dismissal of his advice. He also wondered what the hell they were talking about.

...

The moon hung is the sky like a poetic description as the company of four sat around they're small fire within they're little hiding spot. They had managed to find a cave that hid the light well enough so that they could remain warm during the night.

"I still have my doubts about this plan, but if the old Elf thinks it will work then who am I to argue?" Marynin said as she warmed her hands at the fire.

"I have faith that Lord Elrond's plan will be a success. Middle Earth will soon be free of the evil that has plagued it for so long as once the ring is detroyed. If we are successful then the others quest will be at least a little easier." Alarwas smiled to the half-orc.

"You know, I'm curious as to how one such as you came to be." Dalin spoke to Marynin, ignoring Alarwas, "You mentioned that your sister is human? Then... are your parents also? How did you come about then?" ...Yeah, nice one.

Marynin resisted the urge to deck him before answering; "My village is close to Orc lands and we occasionally get raided by them. As you know, Orcs don't have much in the way of chivalry. One time my mother was caught by a small band of them. She was rescued later but... if you can't piece the rest together then you shouldn't be asking questions that far out of your depth."

"So... your mother..." He looked shocked before he continued, "Your mother... she... adopted you!?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" sighed Teryn as Marynin threw a rock at the Dwarfs head.

"Why don't we talk about something else?" Inquired Alarwas nervously, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken.

"Well... I am curious to know just exactly how many rocks fall on Dalins head every day when he's mining, but he's currently indisposed." Marynin snickered as she looked over to the now unconscious Dwarf who was snoring slightly.

It was around then that Teryn decided to tune out their conversation and head to the mouth of the small cave. He took a deep breath of fresh night air before noticing a flickering light in the distance. He narrowed his eyes and silently crept a little closer and peered over a rock before ducking straight back down and quietly and quickly heading back to the cave.

He made it back inside as Marynin and Alarwas were talking before shushing them.

"Quiet! Be quiet!" he whispered.

"What is troubling you?" Alarwas asked concernedly.

"The Orc pack camped fifty metres away from us is what's troubling me!" he quietly yelled to the Elf whose eyes widened.

"What! Fifty metres? We can't stay here the night; they'll find us for sure!" Marynin interjected, silently yelling back.

"Please be quite" Alarwas whispered calmly, "Your whispering louder then you talk. Now, calm down. We... can think of something."

"We can't sneak away. They're obviously patrolling the plains; they would just sniff us out tomorrow." murmured Teryn.

"Then we will have to take them by suprise tonight" Marynin concluded fearfully. The trio looked at each other before nodding and silently heading off towards the camp.

With Dalin still snoring on the floor.

...

"His head busted wide open, I tell ya!" a muscular Orc cackled as the group burst out laughing. They consisted of nine separate Orcs, each one more stereotypical than the last.

"Evil things!" another shouted and they all started laughing again.

"I ate a bit of bone!" The laughter continued as the three watched them and the sleeping Wargs cautiously.

"How are we going to do this? Including the Wargs there are eighteen different enemies and three of us." Marynin said.

"Three? What do you mean?" Alarwas asked. He was unnerved by something Marynin had said but couldn't quite place it due to the current situation.

"Dalin is unconscious on the floor of the cave..." She replied.

"Bloody hell..." Teryn murmured.

"Here's my plan; I will take out the Orcs closest to us while you two fire at the Orcs and Wargs furthest away as quickly as possible. If we're lucky, we should be able to knock their numbers down to about half before they can properly retaliate." Marynin whispered to the Man and Elf and then nodded to her before silently notching they're arrows. Marynin readied her mace before leaping over the boulder they were hiding behind and swiftly charging towards the nearest Orc. She brought down her mace on his head as two of the furthest Wargs fell. Three more were killed just as the Orcs were registering the attack. They screeched and roared; pulling out their weapons as two more Wargs fell. The next Orc Marynin attacked managed to block her mace just in time as the real fighting began.

...

Back in the cave, Dalin was awoken by the sound of screeching and clashing steel in the distance. He rubbed his head before heading off towards the noise.

...

Teryn held his breath as his sword impaled the last Orc who died growl-burping in his face. The body slid off his blade and fell to the floor. He looked to see that Marynin was slightly worn out from her quick swings; as was he. Alarwas dusted of his tunics sleeve before looking about the battle field.

He frowned, "I don't like this..."

Marynin snorted, "I wouldn't have thought an Elf would have issues with slaying Orcs."

"No. There is something I've missed. This party seems too small-", he suddenly turned as he heard the sound of arrows being notched. The three looked at the seven Warg riders whose bows were aimed at them. The apparent leader of the seven; with his blazing orange eyes, grinned evilly.

...

Authors Notes: Yeah, cliff hanger. Even though you can all guess what happens in the next chapter. Or maybe you can't! HAHA! Anyway, I know the exposition at the start was horrendous but if you didn't think so then please let me know. Also I hope that this is better living up to the humour promised better then the last chapter. So... yeah.

Thanks for reading, please review.


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